in a different place

for the past week and a half to two weeks i have found myself in a weird state of mind...just blah. this is a rather unusual and new experience for me. it's weird because usually i don't find myself at a loss of words, wit, and purpose but lately that is the case...i guess it's me just feeling purposeless for the time being. please don't mistake this as me being depressed or anything of that nature because that is hardly the case. it's more like an out of body type experience for me. have you ever felt this way? please tell me yes, because i am starting to think that something has gone drastically wrong or that i am becoming crazy!

perhaps this purposelessness stems from where one year ago i thought i would be today. see, i have this haunting ability to remember dates, numbers, events, etc. extremely well. last thanksgiving i was in atlanta, ga spending the thanksgiving holiday with my significant other (s.o.), his son, and his ginormous family and i distinctly remember last thanksgiving day sitting on the front swing of s.o.'s house with his brother-in-law, and brother (the one that that is two years younger than s.o.) talking about what it is/was like to be an outsider coming into this particular family. it was odd, they were giving me some sort of pep talk as to what to expect, what to do/say and more importantly what not do/say and all i can remember thinking amongst their free-flowing tidbits of information was "what does all of this mean? why are they telling me this?" then it occurred to me, "they really think that i am the one for s.o.!"

i was so sure that by this time i would at least be engaged if not married, with an adopted son, finally finishing up school and doing what i believe God has called me to do with my life and living in an entirely different but exciting place. but guess what ? none of that happened and i know that it was all God protecting me from something that was much worse than i had known or even dreamt about. while i am so thankful that God protected me from such a horrible and bad situation and for the many blessings that he has imparted on me because of my staying here (i.e. new friends, deeper and better friendships with people who were already my friends and spending more time with my dearly-loved grandma) a good portion of me is still disappointed!

i keep asking myself what is it that is making you feel so disappointed and somewhat lost and all i can come up with is that i expected to find myself in a different place physically, emotionally, spiritually, academically, relationally, etc. today than i was a year ago. then i begin to contemplate i am basing my happiness, joy and etc. on some list that society tells me in need to check off to be "happy?" and honestly i so dearly wish that i could confidently say that 90% of me says i am not basing my happiness, etc. based upon what society tells me would make me happy;truthfully, i think 50% of me is conforming to the current societal definition of happiness.